I’ve been struggling with having any inclination to do anything lately. Literally anything other than snuggle with a kitten (yes, I really miss my kittens.
My Mom keeps suggesting that I read a book called “Successful Women Think Differently” by Valorie Burton. She sent it to my Kindle last fall, and I started to read it.
But I was reading it during breaks at work. Where my job is packing mailers which encourage people to spend more and more money for the “Perfect” Christmas, and forget about the debt they already have. So, as I told Mom, the job swallowed my soul and I gave up and stopped reading the book.
I am working on it again, but I think one thing that’s keeping me is that I don’t want to see what I’ve missed out on. It’s like the couple who is in love in high school, breaks up before going off to college, get married to other people, have kids, get divorced or the spouse dies, and they meet up again and get married, just 20 years later. Those stories are usually viewed as so romantic, but I think they’re awful. All that happened was that they missed out on that time and, presumably, wound up with a lot of baggage.
Anyway, long way to say that I don’t know if I want to know what I’ve missed out on.
I mean, a lot of the stuff I’ve done has been either good, or in pursuit of good. But, at the end of the day, because they weren’t long lasting, I don’t really look at it as truly good. I look at it all as entirely pointless. So either I’ll end up wasting time on stuff like that again, or I’ll find what I should have been doing this whole time and I’ll be upset that I wasted so much time doing nothing good.
Yes, I realize this is completely mental.
Yes, I understand that there’s a reason that “better late than never” is a saying.
But I also understand that this is how my brain works. I’m exhausted from trying, and I don’t want to choose wrongly again. But I’m equally worried about succeeding.
So I have to really make a huge effort to fight this. I need to get off my butt even when I don’t feel much like it. I need to choose something that I enjoy, something that makes me feel fulfilled, and that I think can be sustainable. See, that’s the problem. Just because you think something is sustainable doesn’t mean it is. Just you’ve stepped out and tried something that is ultimately unsustainable, that doesn’t mean you’re a bad person or you’ve really done anything negative. You tried, and now it’s time to try something else.
Honestly, I think that 90% of the time, my biggest problem is that I know all the words. I know what I’m supposed to be doing, but I don’t so much believe that those words are for me. I used to be great at that when I was a youth leader. I’d tell the girls about inner beauty and all of that, but when it came to me, I wasn’t confident in myself.
This is something I need to overcome. I know this. I need to start saying to myself the words that I use for everyone else. And I need to believe them.
So I’m reading the book.
I am planning for the steps I can take when I am back in the US.
And we’ll see what comes of that.
Of course, before I take any of those steps, I plan to cuddle with the kittens :~)