I’ve always loved Christmas. It has been my favourite holiday my whole life, and I’ve loved it more and more as I’ve gotten older.
But this year, I’m not so sure.
See, just recently, I’ve been debating how I feel about God in general. It seems to me that if he really was what I’d learned about all my life, I wouldn’t lose everything that means anything to me in life. I mean, honestly, it feels as though the more I love something or someone, the sooner I lose them.
I feel like Charlie Brown…
I’ve done a ton of volunteering and mission work in my life. I interned with my church, worked with the youth, was on the worship team, etc., etc.
And I used to feel like it was good, and like it made a difference.
And now, no matter what I try, I can’t find anything that is worth doing, and that will accept me.
Because of travel while volunteering, I lost contact with pretty much all of my friends. I tried to stay in touch while traveling, but they couldn’t be bothered. I’d come home, and they’d suddenly want to talk all about what I’d been doing. But only the good parts. Heaven forbid I suffer with depression, loneliness, or second thoughts while I was out doing mission work. They simply wanted to hear what good I’d been doing and seeing. And they didn’t want to talk about the “boring things” they’d been doing. Only about how jealous they were of my “amazing life”.
I wound up working with people who were huge narcissists, and gained a very poor self image from their habits of tearing me down in order to build themselves up.
So I came home to no close friends, and with a very poor self image.
But one good thing I came home with was my kitten, who had traveled India with me. We were very close, and continued to be even after we got home.
I’ve been struggling with depression and finding my place since getting home. I’ve tried various things, but nothing fits. I’ve joined groups, I’ve tried going to church, and it always feels like I am the odd one out, no matter where I go. Even with people I’ve known for ages, I don’t feel at ease. It’s been a real issue in my life.
And then my cat disappeared. This wonderful cat who I loved most of all. On bad days, I’d look forward to getting home to a cuddle with him. I knew he liked to explore, but he always came back to me. He was my comfort, and, at only 2 1/2 years old, should have had a lot of life left.
And now he’s gone. He’s been gone for 2 weeks. I don’t think he’s coming back this time. I don’t know if someone caught him and took him home, or if he’s dead. We haven’t seen him along the road or anything, but it has been hunting season, and many hunters around us would not hesitate to shoot a big white cat.
He’s microchipped, but he’s the only local cat with a chip, so people would seldom think to check for one if they did pick him up.
It’s just one more example of things going horribly wrong, and me losing the one thing that I care for. We’ve had outdoor cats who have lived to be in their late teens. Many of those have been half-feral. And yet, this one that I love dies before he’s even 3.
I’ve been holding out hope for the last week.
I’ve been praying like mad, and searching for him.
Got a text the other day that someone had found my cat, and he’d been spending time hunting in her field. Went to look for him, and he wasn’t there. She sent me a photo later, and it definitely wasn’t even him.
So I’ve given up.
I don’t know how I feel about God.
Is he real? If so, he allows all of this negative to happen in my life.
And yes, I know that there are lots of people going through way worse than what I am going through.
But it seems like there could maybe be a break. I’ve done a lot “for God”, and I feel like I’ve sort of been screwed over because of it. This stuff wouldn’t have happened if I’d not done all of that.
So that brings it back around to Christmas.
I don’t know if I want to do Christmas this year.
I don’t know if I ever want to do Christmas.
First off, Christmas with depression is pointless.
Second, Christmas with a very Christian family is not exactly my idea of fun when I am questioning how I feel about God.
They’ll want to go to church, and do our “Happy Birthday Jesus” song, and I don’t know if I can do it.
I’d rather just opt out of Christmas altogether. But that may just make things worse.
I don’t like Christmas, and I don’t like snow. Both used to be my favourite things of the whole year.
I literally care about nothing now. I stay in bed all day, and I don’t have interest in anything.
So why bother with Christmas. It’s either a joyful holiday or a sacred one, or both, and I’m not feeling either.